The vibe is laid-back it’s like a mini Glastonbury Festival and a real find for backpackers in Central America

The vibe is laid-back; it’s like a mini Glastonbury Festival, and a real find for backpackers in Central America.”Where: Ferry Jetty, San Pedro, Guatemala (contact Deano at Sparrow101 hotmail ).How much: free.10 De Melkweg, AmsterdamDe Melkweg (“Milky Way”) has been messing with the mainstream since opening on an Amsterdam dairy site way back in 1970. 6, Kunst Park, 18671 Munich (00 49 89 543 8230).How much: pounds 10.09 D’Noz, GuatemalaD’Noz is a waterfront club run by an Englishman called Deano -”the man to know in San Pedro,” says Jennifer Cox. “And his club is the meeting point for travellers to converge and chill to ambient and trip hop music. Mixmaster Morris recalls DJing there, “looking through a UFO sculpture that was in front of the decks, while punters sat on giant potato stools” – the club’s site was originally a potato-packing plant!Where: Grasinger Str.

“It attracts the kind of jet-set crowd that helped catapult Ibiza into orbit a decade ago.”Where: Jiak Kim Street, Singapore (00 65 738 2988).How much: pounds 15.07 The Bowgee Inn, CornwallThe Cornish venue where Aphex Twin began his DJ career is a converted pub/disco in a village outside Newquay. Although they’re deadly serious about their music, there are a few quirky touches about the club’s design. The people who manage to find it are a mix of loyal locals and sussed tourists.”Where: Crantock, Cornwall (01637 830363).How much: pounds 4.08 Ultra Schall, MunichThe pride of Germany over the past decade, Ultra Schall is a cutting- edge exponent of new electronic music, located in a Munich industrial park. “It’s gone quite shiny and glammy now,” reports Rowan Chernin, “but its still got a unique vibe for such an obscure venue. “This is one of the best clubs in Asia,” believes Emma Warren. Today, the Wag remains a draw, both for its iconic status and for Saturday’s Blow-Up sessions, which although not as wild as their glory days at Camden’s Laurel Tree pub, provide a fine Northern soul workout that seems groovily at home in the Wag’s dark, sweaty confines.Where: 35 Wardour Street, London W1 (0171-437 5534).How much: pounds 8.06 Zouk, SingaporeOnce described as “a cross between a Venetian palace and a superclub”, the hedonism of Zouk is in stark contrast to Singapore’s sober society. Hardly surprising, then, that the club has been the target of several police drug raids.

“You’re drinking bourbon, eating blackened catfish, watching pelicans swooping into the river below, and thinking, `This is surely one of the most bizarre discos on the planet’.”Where: 9 Regents Street West, Belize City, Belize (00 501 2 73054).How much: free.05 The Wag, LondonDuring the 1980s, the Wag changed the face of London clubbing by inviting promoters in to run different nights – a revolutionary move for the time. The result was a club that attracted pivotal bands and DJs from the era, including Grandmaster Flash and the Furious Five, Sade, the Pogues, Bananarama, Andrew Weatherall and Mark Moore. “And the Belcove Hotel’s bar/club is an edgy experience – but a great one, too.” The Belcove usually has lock-ins from about 9pm, and the party continues until sunrise. “There you are in a club full of local hookers in dodgy wigs dancing to everything from drum’n'bass to country and western,” continues Jennifer.

And novelists, as you don’t need me to remind you, do not have views.Because they are necessarily unintuitive, undivided and monotonic, views are antithetical to literature. They are also easier to hold than literature is to write, which is why they outnumber literature by millions to one We are drowning in views If anything will finish us a species, views will Hence the importance of a literary festival. The problem was that as she was a current affairs person her entire auricular system was wired only for the reception of views. Not a twitch of a thumb in common, though, when a writer meets a current affairs person, not so much as a mote in the other’s eye.I did Newsnight once, suffering a species of intergalactic non-communication interview with a person whose name sounded like Thirsty Work and who thought I was raving mad. I can’t say I have noticed that on his morning radio programme. I’m not complaining; I do not make a habit of tuning into Humphrys before breakfast in the hope of hearing him evincing literary affinities Frankly, I would not expect them of him.

Humphrys’ sphere is current affairs, and current affairs is to literature what chalk is to cheese. Any writer who has ever been lured into a current affairs discussion, on radio or on television, will tell you that the experience resembles nothing so much as being kidnapped by headless automata and deposited on the Moon. The fact that he is rumoured to want to write a novel does not alter that Everybody wants to write a novel Most people already have. The only person I know who has not so far written a novel is my mother, and she is spending more time at her word processor than she used to.It is also rumoured that John Humphrys feels a special affinity for the literary world. The Moon, I say, not the planet Saturnalia where, while the population may be wordless, they do at least acknowledge bodily resemblance to us. Death by small persistent puppy.Reports of John Humphrys appearing at the Edinburgh Literary Festival, however, raise matters of more serious concern For John Humphrys is not a literary figure. Which is why reports of John Humphrys giving the controller of BBC1 a roasting at the Edinburgh Television Festival made satisfying reading.