Making my way home I feel a twinge of guilt at Junior’s meagre

Making my way home, I feel a twinge of guilt at Junior’s meagre gift, but someone’s got to instruct him in the virtues of thrift and prudence amid the consumer frenzy. Besides, he never gives me a present anyway.The recipients: mother, father, brother, sister-in-law, four-year- old child (sex unspecified) and granny.The budget: pounds 100.The time allowed: two hours.The shops: Boots, Marks & Spencer, Dixons, Tie Rack, Next, H Samuel, Sock Shop, WH Smith, River Island, Salisbury’s, Burton’s.. What we don’t want for Christmas .. a man writes

1 Socks – we can buy our own, thanks We’re big boys now.
2. Handkerchiefs – if we use them we’ve got too many already; if we don’t, we’ll put them in the bottom of a drawer until the day we need something to wipe some oil off our hands.3. Toiletry gift sets – every boy gets a Hai Karate talc ‘n’ after shave combo at 16, and once is enough Really.4 A drill – well, do women want an iron?5.

Driving gloves – only Nigel Mansell and men who drive with hats on wear them.6. Nasal hair trimmer – yes, we all need them but we don’t want to be told.7 Garden kneeling pad – next stop, the Zimmer frame.8. Big bumper jumbo road atlas of Britain – great, then we can spend all Boxing Day discussing whether to take the A7548 or B6924 via the Shagley bypass.9. Car vacuum cleaners – no need: we go to the special, secret topless vacuuming centre that all men know about Just kidding.10. Monogrammed shirts – our colleagues already know we’re jerks; they don’t need it spelt out.What we don’t want for Christmas.. a woman writes1.

A Body Shop gift basket – it bears the message: I barely know you and here’s the gift I give every female every year.2 Perfume – one man’s fragrance is another woman’s whiff.3. A make-up set featuring 40 lurid shades of eyeshadow – used as wall paint when six years old, thank you.4. A recording of Tammy Wynette’s “Stand By Your Man” – some of us just don’t want to Got it?5. A leather manicure set – nails, especially toenails, are taboo. And men, remember the line, “He who casts the first stone”? In other words, get those football toenails sorted out first, OK.6.

A dressing gown – invariably a dowdy and duck me woollen affair Creates low self-esteem.7. A vacuum cleaner – choose a more subtle way to end the relationship.8. The Great Book of Hugs – not all females are brainless, soppy pushovers Hint: some may prefer the real thing.9. Silk headscarf – Are all men colour-blind, or do they just want women to look like the Queen on a psychedelic high?10 Suspenders – we’d rather have the dressing gown..